Sarah was exhausted, coming home from two days of presenting for a conference in Sydney. She was excited to see her partner, Jack, and her two-year-old, Sam. Jack had worked hard over the weekend to try and keep everything together and was keen to demonstrate to Sarah that he could take care of their family and give her the freedom to pursue her career. Coming through the door, the mood was initial elation, but this quickly gave way to small, cutting comments:
Jack: “So did you have a good time without us?”
Sarah: “It was really hard work actually; there was some tough feedback from one of the attendees”.
Jack: “Well that sounds easier than what I had to put up with, I’m looking forwarding to taking a break next time.”
Sarah: “It’s not a competition you know, and I had to go, it wasn’t a choice”.
Jack: “Sure, shall we go out for dinner later?”
Sarah: “No, remember we are trying to save at the moment, why do I keep having to reminding you?”
Jack: “What about you, another package arrived for you, that’s hardly saving is it?”
From there the conflict was loud, unrelenting, and ended with a silence that seemed to last to for days. Sarah and Jack both retreated to their private worlds and wondered why their partner was so unreasonable. Gradually the conflict would be forgotten, but the same pattern of communication repeatedly drained the relationship of safety and intimacy.
Why do couples struggle?
This is a familiar story for many couples, particularly when the stress of work and children test the relationship. Many people assume that relationship skills are innate, and that if they choose the right partner, the relationship will just work. Love conquers all, right? The truth is that relationship skills are learnt, and most of the time, they are learnt or modelled from care givers in childhood or unrealistic media representations. This is why a lot of relationships struggle, with 30-40% of marriages in Australia ending in divorce, and why parental divorce significantly increases the likelihood of children divorcing when they reach adulthood too (Uggla & Saarela, 2025).
What impact does an unhealthy relationship have?
Relationships that result in conflict and loneliness carry a significant physical and mental health toll for partners and families. Research consistently shows that chronic relationship conflict activates stress‑related biological systems that, over time, produce measurable physical and mental health problems, including inflammation, cardiovascular risk, weakened immunity, sleep disruption, and metabolic changes (Singh et al, 2023). Relationship conflict also commonly results in unhealthy coping strategies such as addictive coping, smoking, increased alcohol use, poorer diet, and reduced physical activity, which all further exacerbate health problems (Peng et al., 2026). Children exposed on chronic relationship conflict also show higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, behavioural problems, lower academic performance, attention problems, and learning difficulties (Brock & Kochanska, 2016; O’Hara et al., 2019).
Does couple therapy work?
Although individual therapy might help the individual, it does not fix the relationship, since it is difficult to repair a two-person problem with only one person in the room. The good news is that, because relationship skills are learnt, they can be changed, if both partners are willing to work on the relationship together. Couples that undertake couple therapy are better off than 70-80% of those who do not, including improved communication skills, reduced conflict, lower distress, increased emotional intimacy, improved sexual satisfaction, and lower relapse rates (Lebow & Snyder, 2022). Furthermore, when relationships improve, so too does the mental health of children (Zietlow et al., 2024).
What does couple therapy look like?
Couple therapy usually begins with an assessment and often an individual session with each partner, though most appointments will include both partners working together. A well-trained couple therapist will not blame any partner in particular. The therapist will intervene to interrupt communication patterns that cause and perpetuate conflict. Couple therapy will often include helping partners to express their feelings and needs in a softened way, working on gridlocked topics, compromise, expressing appreciation, responding to bids for connection, developing listening skills, and more. Most couples attend therapy for 3 to 12 months, with sessions approximately once a fortnight depending on the issue (Lebow & Snyder, 2022).
But we’re not that bad, are we?
Many couples imagine that although there is dissatisfaction or conflict, perhaps things will improve over time, or that once there are changes at home, work, or children, their problems will resolve. Unfortunately, the opposite is usually true, with communication problems and gridlocked topics become more entrenched over time, often resulting in lower trust, commitment, and reduced intimacy. Research shows that without intervention, having children can decrease relationship satisfaction, and that spontaneous improvement is unlikely (Kowal et al., 2021). Consequently, couples usually wait for an average of six years from when problems begin before seeking help. Although couple counselling is helpful, it is even more potent when couples start early, before these problems become ingrained and affect the deeper foundations of a relationship. Couples who seek help early when distress is lower show some of the highest success rates (Roddy et al., 2021).
So, what do we Do?
If you would like to explore couple therapy, speak to your partner. It’s important for them to know that they are not coming to be blamed, relationship problems include two people, and the therapist is there to support the couple to better understand each other and work towards the relationship that they want. If you’re on the fence, keep in mind that the goal of couple therapy is not necessarily to keep people together, but to give couples all the tools and information they need so they can be confident in whatever decision they make.
References
Brock, R. L., & Kochanska, G. (2016). Interparental conflict, children’s security with parents, and long‑term risk of internalizing problems: A longitudinal study from ages 2 to 10. Development and Psychopathology, 28(1), 45–54. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579415000279
Kowal, M., Groyecka‑Bernard, A., Kochan‑Wójcik, M., & Sorokowski, P. (2021). When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey. PLOS ONE, 16(4), e0249516. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0249516 (doi.org in Bing)
Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824
O’Hara, K. L., Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., Tein, J.-Y., & Rhodes, C. A. (2019). Parenting time, parenting quality, interparental conflict, and mental health problems of children in high‑conflict divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(6), 690–703. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000556
Peng, X., Chen, Z., Li, Y., Yuan, S., & Chen, J. (2026). The relationship between work‑family conflict and health behaviors: A systematic review and meta‑analysis. Behavioral Sciences, 16(3), 386. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs16030386
Roddy, M. K., Stamatis, C. A., Rothman, K., & Doss, B. D. (2020). Mechanisms of change in a brief, online relationship intervention. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(1), 57–67. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000569
Singh, Y., Gupta, V., & Srivastava, A. (2023). Marital conflict, health, and well‑being among couples. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 11(1), 1098–1110. https://doi.org/10.25215/1101.112
Uggla, C., & Saarela, J. (2025). Breaking‑up and breaking the norm: Intergenerational divorce transmission among two ethnolinguistic groups. Evolutionary Human Sciences, 7, e14. https://doi.org/10.1017/ehs.2025.9
Zietlow, A.-L., Ditzer, J., & Garthus‑Niegel, S. (2024). From partners to parents: The influence of couple dynamics on parent‑infant bonding and child development. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 42