Jack: “So did you have a good time without us?”
Sarah: “It was really hard work actually; there was some tough feedback from one of the attendees”.
Jack: “Well that sounds easier than what I had to put up with, I’m looking forwarding to taking a break next time.”
Sarah: “It’s not a competition you know, and I had to go, it wasn’t a choice”.
Jack: “Sure, shall we go out for dinner later?”
Sarah: “No, remember we are trying to save at the moment, why do I keep having to reminding you?”
Jack: “What about you, another package arrived for you, that’s hardly saving is it?”
From there the conflict was loud, unrelenting, and ended with a silence that seemed to last to for days. Sarah and Jack both retreated to their private worlds and wondered why their partner was so unreasonable. Gradually the conflict would be forgotten, but the same pattern of communication repeatedly drained the relationship of safety and intimacy.
Why do couples struggle?
This is a familiar story for many couples, particularly when the stress of work and children test the relationship. Many people assume that relationship skills are innate, and that if they choose the right partner, the relationship will just work. Love conquers all, right? The truth is that relationship skills are learnt, and most of the time, they are learnt or modelled from care givers in childhood or unrealistic media representations. This is why a lot of relationships struggle, with 30-40% of marriages in Australia ending in divorce, and why parental divorce significantly increases the likelihood of children divorcing when they reach adulthood too (Uggla & Saarela, 2025).
What impact does an unhealthy relationship have?
Relationships that result in conflict and loneliness carry a significant physical and mental health toll for partners and families. Research consistently shows that chronic relationship conflict activates stress‑related biological systems that, over time, produce measurable physical and mental health problems, including inflammation, cardiovascular risk, weakened immunity, sleep disruption, and metabolic changes (Singh et al, 2023). Relationship conflict also commonly results in unhealthy coping strategies such as addictive coping, smoking, increased alcohol use, poorer diet, and reduced physical activity, which all further exacerbate health problems (Peng et al., 2026). Children exposed on chronic relationship conflict also show higher rates of anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances, behavioural problems, lower academic performance, attention problems, and learning difficulties (Brock & Kochanska, 2016; O’Hara et al., 2019).
Does couple therapy work?
Although individual therapy might help the individual, it does not fix the relationship, since it is difficult to repair a two-person problem with only one person in the room. The good news is that, because relationship skills are learnt, they can be changed, if both partners are willing to work on the relationship together. Couples that undertake couple therapy are better off than 70-80% of those who do not, including improved communication skills, reduced conflict, lower distress, increased emotional intimacy, improved sexual satisfaction, and lower relapse rates (Lebow & Snyder, 2022). Furthermore, when relationships improve, so too does the mental health of children (Zietlow et al., 2024).
What does couple therapy look like?
Couple therapy usually begins with an assessment and often an individual session with each partner, though most appointments will include both partners working together. A well-trained couple therapist will not blame any partner in particular. The therapist will intervene to interrupt communication patterns that cause and perpetuate conflict. Couple therapy will often include helping partners to express their feelings and needs in a softened way, working on gridlocked topics, compromise, expressing appreciation, responding to bids for connection, developing listening skills, and more. Most couples attend therapy for 3 to 12 months, with sessions approximately once a fortnight depending on the issue (Lebow & Snyder, 2022).
But we’re not that bad, are we?
Many couples imagine that although there is dissatisfaction or conflict, perhaps things will improve over time, or that once there are changes at home, work, or children, their problems will resolve. Unfortunately, the opposite is usually true, with communication problems and gridlocked topics become more entrenched over time, often resulting in lower trust, commitment, and reduced intimacy. Research shows that without intervention, having children can decrease relationship satisfaction, and that spontaneous improvement is unlikely (Kowal et al., 2021). Consequently, couples usually wait for an average of six years from when problems begin before seeking help. Although couple counselling is helpful, it is even more potent when couples start early, before these problems become ingrained and affect the deeper foundations of a relationship. Couples who seek help early when distress is lower show some of the highest success rates (Roddy et al., 2021).
So, what do we Do?
If you would like to explore couple therapy, speak to your partner. It’s important for them to know that they are not coming to be blamed, relationship problems include two people, and the therapist is there to support the couple to better understand each other and work towards the relationship that they want. If you’re on the fence, keep in mind that the goal of couple therapy is not necessarily to keep people together, but to give couples all the tools and information they need so they can be confident in whatever decision they make.
References
Brock, R. L., & Kochanska, G. (2016). Interparental conflict, children’s security with parents, and long‑term risk of internalizing problems: A longitudinal study from ages 2 to 10. Development and Psychopathology, 28(1), 45–54. https://doi.org/10.1017/S0954579415000279
Kowal, M., Groyecka‑Bernard, A., Kochan‑Wójcik, M., & Sorokowski, P. (2021). When and how does the number of children affect marital satisfaction? An international survey. PLOS ONE, 16(4), e0249516. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0249516 (doi.org in Bing)
Lebow, J., & Snyder, D. K. (2022). Couple therapy in the 2020s: Current status and emerging developments. Family Process, 61(4), 1359–1385. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12824
O’Hara, K. L., Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., Tein, J.-Y., & Rhodes, C. A. (2019). Parenting time, parenting quality, interparental conflict, and mental health problems of children in high‑conflict divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(6), 690–703. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000556
Peng, X., Chen, Z., Li, Y., Yuan, S., & Chen, J. (2026). The relationship between work‑family conflict and health behaviors: A systematic review and meta‑analysis. Behavioral Sciences, 16(3), 386. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs16030386
Roddy, M. K., Stamatis, C. A., Rothman, K., & Doss, B. D. (2020). Mechanisms of change in a brief, online relationship intervention. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(1), 57–67. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000569
Singh, Y., Gupta, V., & Srivastava, A. (2023). Marital conflict, health, and well‑being among couples. The International Journal of Indian Psychology, 11(1), 1098–1110. https://doi.org/10.25215/1101.112
Uggla, C., & Saarela, J. (2025). Breaking‑up and breaking the norm: Intergenerational divorce transmission among two ethnolinguistic groups. Evolutionary Human Sciences, 7, e14. https://doi.org/10.1017/ehs.2025.9
Zietlow, A.-L., Ditzer, J., & Garthus‑Niegel, S. (2024). From partners to parents: The influence of couple dynamics on parent‑infant bonding and child development. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 42
]]>Most people don’t realise they’re living inside a story — not the story of their life, but the story their nervous system wrote during moments of overwhelm, fear, or hurt. These stories sound like:
They’re not conscious choices. They’re survival codes the brain created to make sense of difficult experiences. And even long after the danger has passed, the story can keep replaying — shaping how we think, feel, and relate.
If you’ve ever wondered why you react so strongly to certain situations, why old patterns keep resurfacing, or why you can’t “logic” your way out of emotional triggers, you’re not alone. The problem isn’t willpower or insight. It’s that the old story is still running in the background.
This is where EMDR therapy becomes a powerful tool for change. EMDR doesn’t just help you understand your story — it helps you rewrite it.
Why We Get Stuck in Old Stories
When something overwhelming happens, the brain doesn’t always process the experience fully. Instead, it stores the memory in a raw, unintegrated form — with the same emotions, body sensations, and beliefs that were present at the time.
This is why a seemingly small trigger can suddenly feel enormous. Your brain isn’t responding to the present moment; it’s responding to the past.
These unprocessed memories become the building blocks of the “old story”:
Even when your adult self knows better, your nervous system may still be living in the emotional logic of the past.
What EMDR Actually Does
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) is a structured, evidence‑based therapy that helps the brain process and integrate memories that got stuck. It uses bilateral stimulation — usually eye movements, taps, or alternating sounds — to activate the brain’s natural healing system.
Think of EMDR as opening the “file” of a painful memory, allowing the brain to digest it properly, and then closing the file in a calmer, more adaptive form.
The memory doesn’t disappear. But it loses its emotional charge. It stops running the show.
Clients often describe the shift like this:
This is the moment the old story loosens its grip — and a new chapter becomes possible.
How EMDR Helps You Rewrite Your Story
EMDR works on multiple levels at once: cognitive, emotional, somatic, and neurological. Here’s how it helps you move from the old story to a new one.
Before EMDR, a memory might feel like proof of a negative belief:
During EMDR, the brain naturally begins to integrate new information:
These aren’t affirmations. They’re spontaneous insights that arise as the memory processes.
Trauma isn’t just stored in thoughts — it’s stored in the body.
EMDR helps release:
When the body settles, the story changes too. You no longer feel like the frightened version of yourself who lived through the original event.
Old stories are like outdated software. EMDR installs the update.
Instead of reacting from fear, shame, or helplessness, you begin responding from your adult self — grounded, capable, and present.
What EMDR Sessions Look Like
EMDR follows an eight‑phase structure, but the heart of the work happens during the desensitisation phase. Here’s a simplified version of what clients experience:
The process is gentle, contained, and paced according to your nervous system’s capacity.
What EMDR Can Help With
Although EMDR is best known for treating trauma, it’s effective for a wide range of issues, including:
If there’s a memory, belief, or body response that feels stuck, EMDR can often help.
Why EMDR Feels So Different From Talk Therapy
Talk therapy helps you understand your story. EMDR helps you change it.
Many clients say EMDR feels like:
It’s not about analysing the past — it’s about completing what the brain couldn’t finish at the time.
Writing Your New Chapter
When the old story loses its power, something remarkable happens: space opens up for a new one.
A story where:
EMDR doesn’t erase what happened. It helps you carry it differently — with clarity instead of confusion, strength instead of shame, and choice instead of automatic patterns.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same old story. Your brain is capable of healing, integrating, and rewriting. EMDR is simply the tool that helps unlock that process.
Are you ready to start writing a new chapter of your life?
By Veronica Buk, General Psychologist. EMDRAA Consultant.
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If you are a parent whose teenager is struggling to attend school, you are not alone.
As a clinical psychologist working with teenagers and families, one of the most common concerns I hear from parents is:
“My child used to go to school without a problem, but now they just can’t.”
Parents often describe mornings filled with anxiety, panic, exhaustion, or emotional shutdown. Many feel confused, worried, and unsure how to help. Some also feel blamed or judged by schools or others around them.
In the past, this experience was often labelled school refusal. Increasingly, clinicians and researchers are shifting toward more accurate and compassionate language such as school attendance difficulties, emotionally based school avoidance, or simply “school can’t.”
In my clinical experience, this language matters. It recognises that for many young people the issue is not unwillingness to attend school — it is that attending school currently feels overwhelming or impossible.
Understanding what is happening is the first step toward helping your teenager recover.
What Are School Attendance Difficulties?
School attendance difficulties occur when a young person experiences significant emotional distress that interferes with their ability to attend school.
Many of the teenagers I work with desperately want things to be different. They often feel embarrassed, frustrated, or worried about falling behind.
The distress they experience is very real and frequently shows up physically as well. Teenagers commonly describe symptoms such as:
School attendance difficulties exist on a spectrum. Some young people attend inconsistently, arrive late, or leave early. Others reach a point where attending school feels completely overwhelming.
How Common Are School Attendance Difficulties?
Over the past few years, I have seen a noticeable increase in families seeking support for school attendance difficulties.
Research suggests this experience is becoming more common worldwide. Earlier studies estimated that around 2–5% of school-aged children experienced school refusal behaviours, but more recent research suggests school-related distress may affect a much larger number of young people.
A 2024 study of adolescents found that around 31.9% reported some level of school avoidance behaviour, highlighting how widespread school-related anxiety can be.
In Australia, recent surveys suggest that up to 39% of parents report their child has experienced some level of difficulty attending school within the past year.
These numbers reflect what many clinicians are seeing in practice.
Why School Can Start to Feel Impossible
In my work with teenagers, I often explain school attendance difficulties through a nervous system lens.
When a young person’s brain perceives school as unsafe — socially, emotionally, or academically — the nervous system activates protective responses.
These responses may include:
These reactions are not choices. They are automatic survival responses.
This is why increasing pressure or forcing attendance often makes the situation worse rather than better.
Common Reasons Teenagers Struggle to Attend School
In most cases there is not a single cause. School attendance difficulties usually develop when several factors combine.
Anxiety
Anxiety is one of the most common underlying drivers.
Many teenagers I work with experience:
Research consistently shows that young people experiencing school avoidance report higher levels of anxiety and depression than their peers.
Emotional burnout and exhaustion
Some teenagers reach a point where their emotional and cognitive resources are depleted.
They may describe feeling constantly tired, overwhelmed, or unable to keep up with expectations.
Burnout is increasingly recognised in adolescents coping with prolonged stress.
Neurodivergence (Autism and ADHD)
Many teenagers I support are neurodivergent.
Autistic students and students with ADHD often experience:
Many of these young people cope for years before reaching a point of nervous system exhaustion.
Bullying and social stress
School is an intensely social environment, and experiences of bullying or social exclusion can have a powerful impact on a young person’s sense of safety.
Even subtle social stress can significantly affect teenagers.
Academic pressure
Some teenagers experiencing school attendance difficulties are capable and conscientious students who place enormous pressure on themselves.
Fear of failure, falling behind, or not meeting expectations can become overwhelming.
What Parents Often Notice at Home
Parents often tell me that mornings become the hardest part of the day.
Common patterns include:
These reactions reflect genuine distress rather than manipulation.
What Actually Helps
In my clinical work, supporting a teenager experiencing school attendance difficulties usually involves restoring a sense of safety and gradually rebuilding confidence and capacity.
When a young person’s nervous system is overwhelmed, the goal is not simply to push them back into school immediately.
Instead, we focus on:
Recovery is rarely immediate and usually occurs in small, meaningful steps.
Prioritising emotional safety
The first step is helping your teenager feel understood and supported.
Many young people already feel ashamed or worried about disappointing their parents.
One of the most powerful things parents can do is communicate that they are on their child’s side.
I often encourage parents to say:
Feeling believed and supported helps calm the nervous system and creates the foundation for recovery.
Gradual re-engagement with school
In my experience, gradual re-engagement with school is usually much more effective than expecting full attendance immediately.
This might involve steps such as:
Progress is often non-linear. Setbacks are normal and part of the process.
Working collaboratively with the school
When schools and families work together, outcomes are usually much better.
Many schools can provide adjustments such as:
Under Australian law, schools are required to provide reasonable adjustments for students experiencing disability, including mental health conditions, autism, ADHD, and learning differences.
How I Support Families
In my practice, I work with teenagers experiencing school attendance difficulties, anxiety, autism, ADHD, and emotional overwhelm.
My approach involves working with both the young person and their parents to understand what is driving the distress and to develop a gradual pathway back to learning.
Support may include:
I also run a parent group program specifically for families navigating school attendance difficulties.
In this program, parents learn:
Parents often tell me that connecting with other families facing similar challenges is incredibly reassuring.
When to Seek Support
If your teenager is experiencing:
seeking support from a psychologist experienced in school attendance difficulties can make a significant difference.
Early support often leads to better outcomes.
A Final Message for Parents
If your teenager is struggling to attend school, you have not failed.
And your teenager is not choosing to make life difficult.
In many cases, their nervous system is simply overwhelmed and they need support to rebuild confidence and capacity.
With understanding, evidence-based care, and gradual support, many young people recover and successfully re-engage with learning.
Attendance improves when capacity improves.
]]>When teenagers struggle to attend school, families often find themselves caught between their child’s distress and the school’s expectations around attendance.
Many parents describe feeling pressured to “just get their child to school.” They may receive emails about attendance targets, warnings about missed days, or reminders about the importance of routine.
While these responses are often well-intentioned, they can leave families feeling overwhelmed, blamed, and unsure how to help their child.
As a clinical psychologist working with teenagers experiencing school attendance difficulties, I regularly see how misunderstandings about this issue can increase stress for both families and schools.
When we better understand what is happening beneath the surface, it becomes much easier to respond in ways that support both wellbeing and long-term engagement with learning.
It Is Not Simply Behaviour
One of the most common misconceptions about school attendance difficulties is that the young person is simply refusing or choosing not to attend school.
In reality, many of the teenagers I work with desperately wish things were different. They often feel embarrassed about missing school, worried about falling behind, and concerned about disappointing their parents.
However, when they think about going to school, their nervous system may respond as if the situation is unsafe or overwhelming.
Research increasingly shows that emotionally based school avoidance is strongly linked with anxiety, depression, and stress responses in young people (Heyne et al., 2019; Ingul et al., 2019).
This stress response can lead to very real physical and emotional symptoms such as:
These symptoms are not deliberate or manipulative. They are the body’s automatic response to perceived threat.
When a young person is experiencing this level of distress, simply insisting that they attend school often increases anxiety rather than resolving the underlying problem.
Pressure Often Makes the Situation Worse
Schools are understandably focused on improving attendance. Regular attendance is important for learning, social development, and long-term outcomes.
However, when a teenager is already overwhelmed, increased pressure can sometimes intensify anxiety.
Parents are often advised to:
While structure can be helpful in many parenting situations, punitive approaches rarely address the emotional factors driving school attendance difficulties.
Research shows that anxiety-based school avoidance is best addressed through supportive interventions that reduce distress and gradually rebuild coping capacity (Maynard et al., 2018).
When a young person feels pressured or punished for something they feel unable to control, it can reinforce the association between school and distress.
Attendance Improves When Capacity Improves
In my clinical work, I often explain that attendance improves when a young person’s capacity and sense of safety improve.
When teenagers are overwhelmed, their brain’s stress system is activated. In this state it becomes much harder to:
Expecting full attendance while a young person is in this state can be unrealistic and counterproductive.
Instead, the focus needs to shift toward helping the young person rebuild:
Research shows that gradual exposure, psychological support, and school adjustments are effective components of intervention for school attendance difficulties (Heyne et al., 2022).
When teenagers begin to feel understood and supported, their nervous system settles and their capacity to engage with school gradually returns.
Collaboration Between Families, Schools and Clinicians Is Key
The most successful outcomes I see occur when families, schools, and mental health professionals work together.
Supportive schools recognise that improving attendance often requires addressing the factors driving distress.
Schools may offer adjustments such as:
These adjustments help reduce overwhelm while the young person rebuilds confidence.
Under Australian legislation such as the Disability Discrimination Act (1992) and the Disability Standards for Education (2005), schools are required to provide reasonable adjustments for students experiencing disability, including mental health conditions, autism, ADHD, and learning differences.
When schools and families collaborate, students are far more likely to reconnect with learning.
A Note for Teachers and Wellbeing Staff
Teachers and school wellbeing staff are often working under significant pressure to support many students at once.
When a student experiences ongoing attendance difficulties, it can be frustrating and concerning.
However, it may be helpful to view these situations through a wellbeing and nervous system lens rather than a behavioural lens.
Students who struggle to attend school are often experiencing significant internal distress. Approaches that emphasise safety, flexibility, and relationship-building are more likely to support re-engagement.
Small adjustments — such as providing a safe person at school, flexible entry to the classroom, or gradual attendance plans — can make a significant difference.
Supporting Young People Back Into Learning
For teenagers experiencing school attendance difficulties, the goal is not simply returning to school as quickly as possible.
The goal is helping the young person rebuild the foundations that allow learning to occur.
This includes strengthening:
When these foundations are rebuilt, attendance often improves naturally.
Many of the young people I work with do eventually return to regular school attendance. Others find alternative pathways that better suit their needs.
What matters most is supporting their wellbeing while helping them reconnect with education in a way that feels manageable and sustainable.
A Final Thought
School attendance difficulties can be stressful for families, educators, and students.
However, when we move away from viewing the issue purely as a behaviour problem and instead understand the emotional and psychological factors involved, more effective solutions become possible.
When young people feel safe, understood, and supported, their ability to engage with learning often returns.
Attendance improves not through pressure, but through rebuilding capacity.
References
Egger, H. L., Costello, E. J., & Angold, A. (2003). School refusal and psychiatric disorders: A community study. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.
Heyne, D., Gentle-Genitty, C., Gren-Landell, M., Melvin, G., & Chu, B. (2019). Differentiation between school attendance problems: Why and how? Cognitive and Behavioral Practice.
Leduc, K., et al. (2022). School refusal in youth: A systematic review of ecological factors. Frontiers in Psychology.
Maynard, B. R., et al. (2015). Treatment for school refusal among children and adolescents: A systematic review. Research on Social Work Practice.
Pina, A. A., et al. (2009). Psychosocial interventions for school refusal behavior. Child Development Perspectives.
Halligan, C., et al. (2022). Emotionally Based School Avoidance.
]]>Over the past few years, I have seen a noticeable increase in the number of teenagers struggling to attend school due to anxiety and emotional overwhelm.
Parents often tell me:
“My child used to cope, but suddenly school feels impossible.”
For many families, this change feels confusing and frightening. A young person who previously managed school reasonably well may suddenly begin experiencing panic, emotional shutdown, or overwhelming anxiety about attending.
While every young person’s experience is unique, research and clinical experience suggest that several broader factors are contributing to rising levels of anxiety among adolescents.
Understanding these factors can help parents respond with compassion and practical support.
Rising Anxiety in Adolescence
Adolescence has always been a period of significant emotional and developmental change. However, research suggests that anxiety among young people has increased globally in recent decades.
Large international studies estimate that around one in three adolescents will experience an anxiety disorder at some point, making anxiety one of the most common mental health difficulties affecting young people (Merikangas et al., 2010).
In Australia, youth mental health services have also reported increasing demand for support related to anxiety, stress, and emotional wellbeing.
For many teenagers, school becomes the environment where these pressures are most visible. Academic demands, peer relationships, and developmental challenges all converge within the school setting.
When anxiety begins to build, school is often where young people feel it most intensely.
The Impact of the COVID-19 Pandemic
One of the most significant disruptions to schooling in recent years was the COVID-19 pandemic.
Extended periods of remote learning, social isolation, and uncertainty had a profound impact on many young people’s emotional wellbeing.
Research examining the mental health effects of the pandemic has found increased levels of anxiety and psychological distress among adolescents worldwide (Racine et al., 2021).
For some teenagers, returning to school after extended periods at home was particularly challenging. They needed to readjust to social interaction, classroom environments, academic expectations, and daily routines.
While many students adapted over time, for others the disruption intensified existing vulnerabilities such as anxiety, learning difficulties, or social stress.
Increasing Academic Pressure
Many teenagers today describe feeling intense pressure to succeed academically.
Students often talk about feeling that their future depends heavily on their school performance, exam results, or university pathways.
For some young people, this pressure can lead to patterns such as:
Research has shown that academic stress and high performance expectations are associated with increased anxiety and emotional distress among adolescents (Pascoe et al., 2020).
In my work with teenagers, I frequently see capable and conscientious students who place extremely high expectations on themselves. When these expectations feel impossible to meet, school can begin to feel overwhelming.
Social Pressures During Adolescence
School is not only an academic environment — it is also an intensely social one.
Teenagers are navigating friendships, identity development, belonging, and peer relationships at a time when social acceptance feels particularly important.
Research consistently shows that experiences such as bullying and peer conflict are strongly associated with anxiety and emotional distress in young people (Arseneault, 2018).
Social stressors may include:
Even subtle social challenges can significantly affect teenagers who are already feeling vulnerable or anxious.
Neurodivergence and School Environments
Many of the teenagers I support who experience school attendance difficulties are neurodivergent.
Autistic young people and those with ADHD often experience school environments as particularly demanding due to factors such as:
Research has shown that autistic students are significantly more likely to experience school attendance difficulties, often due to anxiety and environmental stressors within school settings (Adams, Clark & Simpson, 2020).
Increasing awareness of neurodiversity is helping families and educators better understand why traditional school environments can be challenging for some young people.
Digital Life and Sleep Disruption
Sleep difficulties are another factor affecting many teenagers.
Adolescence naturally involves changes in sleep patterns, often leading to later sleep times and difficulty waking early for school.
However, sleep disruption can be worsened by:
Research has shown that sleep deprivation in adolescents is strongly associated with increased anxiety, emotional dysregulation, and reduced coping capacity (Short et al., 2013).
When teenagers are sleep-deprived, everyday challenges — including attending school — can feel much harder to manage.
When Anxiety Begins to Affect School Attendance
When anxiety builds over time, some teenagers reach a point where attending school begins to feel extremely difficult.
Young people may experience:
For families, this can be incredibly stressful and confusing.
However, these reactions are usually signs that the young person’s nervous system is overwhelmed rather than unwilling.
Understanding this distinction is often the first step in supporting recovery.
What This Means for Parents
The increase in school-related anxiety does not mean that teenagers today are less resilient than previous generations.
Instead, many young people are navigating a complex combination of social, academic, and environmental pressures.
When teenagers struggle with school attendance, it is often a signal that something in their environment or emotional world needs attention and support.
With the right support — including understanding from parents, schools, and mental health professionals — many young people are able to rebuild confidence and gradually re-engage with learning.
References
Adams, D., Clark, M., & Simpson, K. (2020). The relationship between anxiety and the school experiences of autistic children and adolescents. Autism Research, 13(10), 1797–1806.
Arseneault, L. (2018). Annual Research Review: The persistent and pervasive impact of being bullied in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 59(4), 405–421.
Merikangas, K. R., et al. (2010). Lifetime prevalence of mental disorders in U.S. adolescents. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 49(10), 980–989.
Pascoe, M. C., Hetrick, S. E., & Parker, A. G. (2020). The impact of stress on students in secondary school and higher education. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 25(1), 104–112.
Racine, N., et al. (2021). Global prevalence of depressive and anxiety symptoms in children and adolescents during COVID-19: A meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics, 175(11), 1142–1150.
Short, M. A., Gradisar, M., Gill, J., & Camfferman, D. (2013). Identifying adolescent sleep problems. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 17(6), 457–464.
]]>The return to school, whether after summer break, a holiday, or a period of disruption, can stir up a mix of excitement and anxiety for children and adolescents. While some nerves are a normal part of transitions, for many young people school-related anxiety can feel overwhelming, affecting sleep, mood, behaviour, and learning.
As a clinical child and adolescent psychologist, I often remind families that anxiety is not a sign of weakness or failure. It is a natural response to perceived uncertainty or threat. The goal is not to eliminate anxiety altogether, but to help young people understand it, tolerate it, and move forward with confidence.
Why Back-to-School Anxiety Happens
School brings many unknowns, including:
For adolescents in particular, heightened self-awareness and social comparison can intensify these worries. Younger children, on the other hand, may struggle more with separation and predictability.
Signs of School-Related Anxiety
Anxiety doesn’t always look like worry. It may show up as:
Understanding these behaviours as communication rather than defiance can shift how adults respond.
Practical Tips to Support Anxious Students
1. Normalize the Feeling
Let children know that it’s okay, and common, to feel anxious or worried about returning to school. Statements like “A lot of kids feel this way when school starts” help reduce shame and isolation.
2. Re-establish Routines Early
Predictability is grounding for anxious and worried minds. Gradually reintroduce school-year routines (bedtime, morning schedules, homework time) before school begins to reduce the shock of sudden change.
3. Focus on What’s Controllable
Help children identify what they can control (packing their bag, choosing clothes, planning a lunch) rather than what they can’t. Small choices can foster a sense of agency.
4. Encourage Brave Steps, Not Avoidance
While it’s tempting to protect children from distress, avoidance tends to strengthen anxiety over time. Instead, support gradual, manageable exposure, attending for part of the day, practicing the school route, or visiting the classroom ahead of time if possible.
5. Listen More Than You Fix
When a child shares worries, resist the urge to immediately reassure or problem-solve. Start with empathy: “That sounds really hard.” Feeling understood often reduces anxiety more than solutions do.
6. Model Calm and Confidence
Children take emotional cues from adults. Even if you feel worried, communicating calm confidence in their ability to cope sends a powerful message: “This might be uncomfortable, but you can handle it.”
7. Teach Simple Coping Tools
Age-appropriate strategies such as slow breathing, grounding exercises, or positive self-talk (e.g., “I’ve done hard things before”) can be practiced ahead of time and used at school.
When to Seek Additional Support
If anxiety is persistent, escalating, or significantly interfering with daily functioning, it may be helpful to consult a mental health professional experienced with children and adolescents. Early support can prevent anxiety from becoming more entrenched and can equip families with effective tools.
A Final Thought
Returning to school is a transition, not a test of resilience. With understanding, patience, and the right supports, anxiety can become an opportunity for growth rather than a barrier. When children learn that they can feel anxious and still move forward, they build a skill that will serve them well far beyond the classroom.
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